RESPECT and RESOLUTION
When we don’t see eye to eye with someone it’s always hard. Especially when that someone happens to have the power to make your life harder. Think about it… what about those moments when there is a hard to love person in your church who decides to be a bit of a punk and challenge you over something that is not a big deal, but that needs to change. What about when your spouse just doesn’t agree with you over an issue, or a co worker, or just someone who holds a position of influence in another company that you just have to work with to get something accomplished. This is an every day scenario in our lives, but how we approach it is what really matters the most.
The ability to converse through extreme conflict and still maintain a respectful attitude constitutes GREAT COMMUNICATION.
If you roll over every time a point of conflict comes you will ultimately lose the respect of those around you and those who you are having conflict with, and the pattern will continue until you’re “run out of town” or you will eventually “blow up” because of the frustration and you will be in “early retirement”
Passive aggressive NEVER works… EVER. Passive aggressive is STUPID and unfair to yourself and the party that you are conversing with… why??? Because it’s a lie. You end up lying on either side… at first it’s not a big deal (not true) so the opposite party believes that a resolution is forthcoming, and then when you’ve switched gears everything becomes a big deal (not true again) and that is when you lose all of the respect of the people you are walking through conflict with. Passive aggressives tend to hold it all in, saving up all the little details in the back of their mind so that when the time comes they’ll be able to pull out all the details to win the argument…. But wait a minute…. It never was an argument… it was a conflict and you just turned it into an argument, which, in the end, makes you look foolish to everyone involved. It also wastes a TON of time and proves that you can’t handle high pressure situations. So guess who doesn’t get invited to the high pressure negotiations next time??? Guess who isn’t picked to be a part of the lead teams for your particular organization?? Passive aggressive behavior breeds frustration, which unchecked leads to bitterness, which ultimately ends all relationships.
The only way to LEAD is through open and honest conflict. You have to take emotion out of the conversation and stick to your original goal which was: To gain a resolution. You may win an argument and maybe you eke out a “resolution” when you turn a conflict into an argument, but generally speaking, you will lose the future of the relationship because you will lose respect. Not to mention the fact that most of the time in a conflict you will have to NEGOTIATE. You will find that there was something that you did that caused frustration too… if you’re emotional you will deny your part of the problem and you’ll get no where fast.
I can’t tell you how many times I have had to go into a room and “call them out” for the way that a certain organization handled a situation. For me it is often when I have to deal with stage managers, or promoters who have treated my crew like junk. I NEVER let that go without having a private meeting with the parties involved and respectfully calling them out. Why?? Because if the behavior was inappropriate then they should be held accountable, and maybe they didn’t even realize how badly they were treating people… Maybe they did, but no one had the guts to say… “that’s not very Christlike”. But if I walk into those meetings like a raving lunatic, Building429 will NEVER be invited back to play the events that our fans attend. So every one of these conversations have to be handled extremely delicately. So the 2 things in my head when I walk into a meeting that I know is based on a conflict are…. RESPECT and RESOLUTION. It’s never about Payback, or them Getting what they deserve… because to get spiritual for a minute WE ALL DESERVE THE CROSS equally right?? The truth is, that you earn more respect than you could ever imagine when you respectfully challenge those who need to be challenged. I have never walked out of one of my challenging meetings without someone saying, “I really appreciate the way you handled this and it speaks volumes to your character” BOOM that’s what we want, resolution and respect… why, because the next time conflict comes… they will already know to respect me.. and it will get handled way faster. In fact they will even call out people on their teams that are not in line, because they know who I am and what I stand for…. That’s what we want right?
Respect is what makes the world go round… don’t believe me??? Tell me the top 5 people that you want to work with…. They are ALL PEOPLE you respect… and people who give you the respect you deserve as well. Chances are, they might have even had to have one of those respectfully challenging meetings with you already and you were so thankful for the way they handled you. So let me challenge you with this last statement that I think is a reminder to us all:
You earn an audience with a person when you are respectful, you lose it when you’re not… Food for thought for those who desire influence.
Your respect and resolution really spoke to me because it is hard to love a person like you described at church because I have been having this problem I have been asking for a sign to God and he just showed it to me thanks is so powerful .
Very well said man! I think the key to dealing with a lot of the conflict is how you go about it, just like you said. Having a private meeting, instead of calling that person out right then and there. By giving that person the respect and doing it privately, and going about it like you said, ultimately you gain that persons respect as well! It’s not about what you get, it’s about what you give. Our ultimate gift is not anything MAN can give us anyways. If we are doing it for man, we are doing it for all the wrong reasons.
I feel called to be a Pastor, and that stuff helps so much. Thanks.
Called to be a pastor… I LOVE THAT!! Not “I want to be a pastor” but “called”. Dude stay on your knees and follow your calling even when it’s hard. I hope this blog will continue to inspire you toward living out that calling!! Can’t wait to see what God does through you man!
I had and have a lot of conflict in my life, and I’m only now getting better at addressing it when it comes up. I’m in a rather complicated situation right now that involves quite a bit of conflict but it’s in God’s hands and I’m trying to do my best to handle it as best as I can. I know I haven’t been doing too well lately, so this really spoke to me and pushed me to do better.
Thanks, JRoy! God bless you!
I’m sorry to hear that you’re dealing with so much conflict, but as I said conflict is a guarantee. Just be sure that you don’t allow the conflict to define you. You’re definition is who you are in Christ, so don’t lose that when you are being challenged. Be patient, slow to speak, and try your best to understand where the other party is coming from even if you can’t stand the position they hold. If you can do all of that Resolution will present itself!! You can do it. Hang in there!
I absolutely agree there. I am rooted in the belief that this shall pass and good things are to come of it, even if its hard right now. At the same time I’ve been well informed that there will still be trials and tribulation in the future as well, but even so I must trust in Him at all times.