10 Reasons I’m STILL Married to my Wife

by Jason | Aug 10, 2012 | Character Building

10 Reasons I’m STILL Married to my Wife

So I thought about my last blog and how many comments I got on it and realized that I didn’t tell the whole story. That blog was simply a way for me to tell you guys what I saw that made me fall in love with Cortni. Then it occurred to me that I was talking about 11 years ago…. What about the 11 years that have passed since. The miracle isn’t that we found each other, or that we got married… the miracle is that we’ve made it last as long as we have… and that we’re only getting stronger. That doesn’t mean that it’s not hard sometimes though. So I figured the best thing that I could do would be to lay out some simple tips from a man’s perspective that have helped keep our relationship strong… these are going to be VERY straight forward so if you want the truth… here it comes.

1) I TELL EVERYONE ABOUT HER:

Anyone who has any kind of conversation with me knows I’m married immediately. Why, because they need to know…. Not only that, but when I talk about my wife, I concentrate on her awesome characteristics. Not the negative. The more I speak my love for her, the more I feel my love for her.

2) I TELL HER EVERYTHING:

If you have a conversation with me about anything (other than guy stuff of course) I tell my wife about it. She is very rarely in the dark about anything that I am doing in my life. Any major decision is a decision that we make together. I value her opinion above anyone else’s.

3) SHE COMES BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE:

If you are my friend go ahead and get used to me caring more about her and her needs than you. I make sure that I put her before anyone else in my life INCLUDING my family. My mom doesn’t take precedence… CORTNI does. My Dad doesn’t take precedence…. Again Cortni does. If it doesn’t fit into our lives according to that priority then it doesn’t happen. Finally… I stand by my wife PERIOD. If you think for a second that anyone in my life would poke fun at her you’re dead wrong. They know she is my world and no one would dare do it.

4) WE DON’T DO DRAMA:

If you are a person who brings drama everywhere you go, you probably won’t be visiting our home a lot. It’s not that we don’t care…. We really do…. But in our lives we have found that drama perpetuates more drama. So we don’t allow people to have influence in our lives if all they ever do is cause/create drama. We serve those who are hard to love, and we go out of our way to lift those who are on their knees… but we don’t allow dramatic people to have influence, because we don’t want our children growing up in that environment, and we don’t want our marriage to fall into chaos as well.

5) WE SPEND TIME TOGETHER:

That’s right… we do date nights…. We actually work out together in the same crossfit gym. We spend time dreaming about what our lives will look like in the next 10 years. We pray over our children every night and we talk about GOD in our home a lot. We watch and learn from other couples who’ve been married longer than us… our best example is Cortni’s parents…. WOW. Amazing. They read the bible cover to cover together every year. How?? They get up early and read together every morning before work. UNBELIEVABLE!!

6) WE APOLOGIZE:

We don’t let words go unsaid. When something is wrong we fess up… apologize and move on. We forget the mistakes that we’ve made when the conversation is over and get on with life. How could somebody be so arrogant as to KNOW they were wrong and still not apologize to their spouse? That person will be referred to as the “arrogant jerk I used to be married to” sooner than they know. You have to be willing to admit your failures in a marriage or your spouse will lose all respect for you and check out.

7) WE TURN OFF THE COMPUTER:

And all the CRAP that’s on it. If you think the bad stuff that you are staring at on your computer is ok… YOU’RE WRONG. Nothing could do your marriage more damage than looking at things you shouldn’t be looking at on your computer. I am a pastor and I’ve seen the horrible damage that stuff does. TO ALL MEN… you need accountability on your computer. . Which is why I use Covenant Eyes on mine. I have an accountability partner who calls anything weird into account… and you should to. It’s the same program that’s on Mark Hall from Casting Crowns computer and it’s awesome. DO IT NOW. BTW… install it on all of your home computers because it’s important to be aware of what your children are viewing as well. If you care at all, you will do it.

8) WE DON’T FLIRT (with other people):

That’s right, I said it… I don’t flirt. It seems kind of obvious, but this is a cardinal sin of a lot of relationships. You seek attention from the opposite sex and you get it… right? That’s what you wanted. I hear people say things like “aw, it’s innocent”, but that’s just stupid. Anything that leads you away from your spouse is not innocent. Stop the ridiculous behavior before you find yourself making a HUGE mistake. It’s like a venus fly trap… don’t go near it… don’t play games… is your marriage really worth the 5 minutes of feeling like a child again with some other person? NO it’s not… STOP IT. Additionally: When I walk through the mall with my wife I intentionally ignore all other women. Why?? She is the center of my world… and nothing could be more detrimental to her love for you than knowing that you’re staring at all the other women around you and not paying attention to her. I want Cortni to know and believe that she is the most beautiful woman in the place everywhere we go, that builds her confidence and self worth… and a woman with those characteristics doesn’t go looking for those things in someone else are when you’re gone.

9) WE DON’T HANG OUT ALONE WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX:

I do not allow myself to be alone with the opposite sex for any reason. If I am doing a vocal lesson with someone on the praise team, the door is always open. “I’m a grown man” you say…”That’s childish”… you say. Maybe so, but I won’t be the person acting like a teenager and blowing up his marriage like 60% of the grown adults in America are doing every year. So you tell me, who’s more childish? If you know there’s a chance that the bus coming at you might hit you, do you : A) Stay there and see or B) Get out of the road? That’s what I thought

10) WE VALUE THE PERSON:

I spend most of my time trying to make sure that people feel valuable, not attractive… no, but important and valuable. There is a line there. When people come through the autograph line at a Building429 show I want them to know that I am sincerely thankful for their support, but I never cross the line and start talking about the way they look. If a guy is constantly telling my wife how good she is looking.. complimenting clothes choices or hairstyle… he’d better be a stylist or we’re going to have problems… because that is his attempt at doing what I should be doing,(ie replacing me) which is building her self confidence and self worth. Not cool for me to do either and therefore I stay away from it.

OK, ok… Am I saying that you can’t interact with people of the opposite sex… of course not. I’m just saying that everyone who reads this blog knows good and well when they are dealing with a dangerous situation. So it’s up to you to be man or woman enough to recognize the danger and stay away from those situations. Don’t even let yourself in the room if there is temptation inside. Don’t allow yourself to be tempted if you don’t have to, because we will mess up. We’re human…. So don’t even go down the path.

The truth is that my marriage is awesome, and as any guy who’s been married for any amount of time will tell you… I still don’t have her figured out yet… which makes it fun (and frustrating sometimes haha). The reality is that if you take care of your marriage and if you sow into it… it will become it’s own reward. The reward of being married to Cortni is that I’m the lucky guy who get’s to live his life in such close proximity to her awesomeness. The more I think about that, the more I am thankful for what we have. The more I guard it, and the more it grows! These are just a few thoughts that have helped Cortni and I have the successful relationship that we do to this point. If I were to stop doing these things tomorrow I promise our marriage would suffer and possibly fail. So these notes are for me as well. Hang in there, keep loving with the love of Christ and may we all have marriages that last until death do us part!!

Jroy

6 Reasons I Married my Wife

by Jason | Aug 4, 2012 | Character Building

Today I have been married for 11 years.  It’s been the most believable ride of my life…. I can look back and now and say that it is obvious that God has been with my wife Cortni and I the whole time.  There were really good times, really bad times…. and everything in between.  We have 2 beautiful children named Avery and Haven that have made our lives a million times more fun and though they have a tendency to wear us out… there is no doubt in my mind that my children are an amazing gift from God.  Today is a special day and right now I am on an airplane flying to Kansas City, while my wife and 2 children are on the bus headed to Buffalo, NY for a day in a water park together.  Which I begs the question… what the heck am I doing?  Leaving my wife on our anniversary.  That question brought me to a  better question… how did I end up with such an amazing, gracious wife who would put up with all of my junk??  That’s where the idea for this blog came from:

How did I know that I wanted to marry Cortni??

I watched her.  The first time I ever saw Cortni I knew there was something different about her… she had no ego at all.  She was playing volleyball at a church picnic with a bunch of youth and, as I remember it, she was focused 100% on them.  Laughing at herself, making jokes about herself…. she was the life of the party and she wasn’t even trying.  Before I ever laid eyes on her, her reputation had already preceded her.  Everyone at the church was talking about who she was, how cool she was, and how excited they were to have her as the churches summer youth intern.  The first day I met her I knew full well that I was in trouble if she was half as perfect as she seemed.  But that wasn’t enough for me.  So I watched her even more.  I watched her serve the youth of our church without regard for herself.  I watched her take them to the beach and then in spite of the fact that she was a dancer and was pretty much PERFECT on the eyes, she was modest and always wore a T-shirt over her bathing suit…. yeah it seemed weird to me then too, but I’m thankful for it now.  I remember that she served the homeless… she led bible studies… she made me feel really insecure when it came to my relationship with Christ… mostly because she was so strong.  The more I watched the more I knew that she was everything I could dream of… and then I really wondered for the first time in my life… am I a good enough man for a girl like her??  Then my prayers came simply to this…. “God if you’ll let me have just 1 chance with this girl, I promise I will never mess it up”.  So I prayed that while I served along side of her for a whole summer.  Over time our relationship grew out of a service to the Lord… that was the basis for our relationship.  That basis has served us really well through the years.  But if I could boil it down to just a few characteristics that made it obvious that I should marry Cortni I would say this:

Merciful:

She saw other peoples weaknesses and loved them any way.  When the option was available and just to be angry with someone she always leaned toward mercy… which as it turns out has saved my tail a thousand times since we first started dating almost 14 years ago

Confident:

She always had an unbelievable confidence in God, His provision, and His plans.  When I would falter… she would not.  When I would lose faith, she would turn to the Word and remind me who He was (as it turns out, this has saved my tail a thousand times as well) She has always been confident enough to let me lead our marriage even though we both know she was the stronger of the two of us.

Loving:

Cortni always had this unbelievable mother like quality to her.  This became obvious when I had my face shattered in a basketball incident at NC State.  This loving, nurturing attitude is what sealed the deal.  I knew it was hard for her to look at my face when it was swollen and bleeding and cut, but she did it anyway and she tended my wounds with a tenderness that only an angel could possess.

Selfless:

I’ve never known anyone more focused on serving others on the planet than Cortni.  She doesn’t have a BLOG to talk about all the “great” things she’s doing for the world, because she’s busier DOING them than talking about them.  My wife is not a self promoter… though she could absolutely dwarf many people, including me, with her accomplishments.  You guys will never know about them, but I promise if you get close enough to her, you will feel what I’m telling you now.  She LOVE’s people with a selfless love and she will receive her crowns in Heaven.  I have no doubt that I will even be blown away by the things she never told me she did.

Self Control:

She is not a talker… You will not hear her bash another person who she is having a dispute with, (which again has really helped me out again) on twitter, facebook, or in person for that matter.  She doesn’t have a dispute with me and then go talking about how horrible her husband is to all her friends… nope she calms down and then comes to me to talk it out ( and I always figure out that I was a moron!! haha) By the way that whole talking to other people about your spouses failures only breeds more of the same from them… before long you have 10 angry wives/husbands telling their stories which only breeds more and more frustration.  Stay out of that… that is a marriage killer.

Resolve:

There was always a resolve in her to see things through no matter how hard it got.  In everything she does, she WILL NOT QUIT.  She finishes what she begins, and that quality may be the only thing that we shared when we began our marriage 11 years ago.

RESOLVE:

My one good quality !!  She knew I was dead set that we would make our marriage work till death do us part.  I didn’t say “we’ll see” when we got married, I said “I do” and I meant it.  I was dead set that I’d stay by her side until I breathed my last breath, and that I would always do my best to provide for her and our family.  Every other quality that she had…. I didn’t.  I was the polar opposite to her in every other quality… Prideful, Arrogant, strong willed, big mouthed, selfish…. but there is good news for those of you out there like me.  WE CAN CHANGE!!!  I am so thankful for my beautiful wife and our wonderful family…. and I guess if I was writing this blog for anything I would admit that it is to  let my wife  know how much I adore her.

But in a world where the divorce rate is just as high in the church as it is in the secular world I wonder…. what if we actually looked for these Godly characteristics in the people we loved?  What if instead of diving into a marriage with a person based solely on infatuation we decided that we would begin to challenge status quo and build these characteristics in ourselves and the one we hope to spend our lives with.  If you’re already married to someone who doesn’t display these characteristics get on your knees and pray for them.  Pray that God will soften their hearts to His calling on their lives and remember… they can change!  That’s what the past 11 years have been for Cortni and I.  She’s just been whittling away every day, challenging me in ways that you can’t imagine.  Daring me to cry…. challenging me to love… holding me accountable to the word of God, in short, making me a better man.  You want to know if you’re supposed to marry the person you’re dating???  Do they make you a better man or woman of God?  There’s your answer… that’s what 11 years have taught me.  I’m thankful today, and I hope today finds you thankful as well.

Blessings,

JRoy

From Hurt to Anger to Mercy to Freedom

by Jason | Jul 30, 2012 | Character Building

From Hurt to Anger to Mercy to Freedom

Thoughts on Parents…. From Hurt to Anger to Mercy to Freedom

So I wrote this on an airplane from Manila to Detroit and after I re-read it I realize that there are about a billion sub categorical posts that could be written on the subject.  I’m not sure where this fit’s in my blog… I just know that it’s something that I have dealt with in my life and I have a special perspective on.  Please forgive me if it seems short, but the truth is … this could be a book easily.  Here Goes:

We’ve all got them… some of us have the greatest parents in the world…. some of us have absentee parents, and some have parents that they just don’t like.  It doesn’t matter which one of those subcategories you fit in, we’re all marked by our parents.  Many of us use our parents decisions to justify our own.  Many of us believe what we believe about the bible simply because I parents told us what to believe.  Our families are under attack from every direction these days, and the one thing that I hear the most when the topic comes up is the state of the world today could largely be blamed on bad parenting in the formative years.  I daresay you would have a hard time finding anyone who would dispute the fact that when one parent steps out of the house the future of that house comes into question very quickly.  Today it seems that the Disney channel is raising most of the children in the US… and if you haven’t noticed the characters on the Disney channel all share similar characteristics.

1) they are all rock star/ divas in the making

2) they are all rich

3) they don’t really do anything to earn the money they spend

4) they are all smarter than their parents

5) Most are at least condescending to adults in general

6) The adults are all bumbling buffoons and idiots that merely provide comedic relief.

Does that sound like anyone you know under the age of 18?  Hint: Go to your local high school or middle school and listen in the halls for 30 seconds when the bell rings.

Wow… how did I get on that rabbit trail???  I’m not sure but I need to get back on point..

Yes bad parenting is running rapid in the US… and the world at large… and yes a lot can be blamed on that… but there’s something else at play as well.

We get a choice on who we will be don’t we??

So your mom was a strung out druggie, and your dad was overly critical and crushed your dreams…. I’m so sorry you had to endure that… but YOU DON’T HAVE TO FOLLOW THEM!  The bible says that you are to honor them and respect them… (which can be hard at times) but you are your own person.  If you choose to let your parents define you then it’s largely YOUR FAULT when your life is characterized by similar chaos.  Why??  Because you have a choice.  You also have a built in moral compass that leads guides and directs you… for the believers reading this writing… you have the Holy spirit guiding you… but even for non believers, we do have a similar knowledge of wrong and right.  Let me break that down for you:

Yeah we all agree on these things…. and yet we do them why??  Because I had a messed up childhood?  Yeah THAT’S STUPID.

I agree that a distressed childhood could lead one to have a greater proclivity to falling into such things, but we still have a CHOICE.

But I’m just bringing that up for you to think about… there is a greater choice that brings freedom like you’ve never known before that I want to discuss.

Did you know that you literally have a choice in the way that you choose to view your parents.  Yeah you do.  You can hate them for what they never were, and what they never gave, and what they didn’t do… and you can let that be your excuse for being an idiot… or you can love them for who they are… and stop making excuses for your ridiculous behavior.  Let me say that again.

You can choose to love your parents for who they are, instead of hating them for who they can never be.

Let me focus in here…. our parents are not God… we know that, but we still give them the seat of God… which sets them up for the most massive failure in the history of mankind.  You know what I’m talking about… what is it for you?  The moment when your parents broke your heart?  It happens to everyone… take a second and think about it…………

They broke your heart because they are JUST LIKE YOU…. HUMAN.  Freedom only comes when we put God in His rightful place…. the throne… (all knowing, all seeing, all powerful, and beyond imperfection)  and allow our parents to be human and love them through it.

You may be saying “Jason, you just don’t know my parents and how awful they’ve treated me”  and I’ll say you’re right I don’t.  I’ve been wounded by my parents just like you have… wounds that I thought would never heal, but how is it fair for me to expect my parents to be GOD.  To have all the answers, and say all the right things at the right times, to put up with me pushing their limits without ever losing their cool???  THEY WERE HUMAN and they did the best they could.

Maybe they didn’t understand that they had a choice to be or not to be a replication of their own parents.  BUT YOU DO!!!

Here’s the truth as I see it:

When you finally start respecting and honoring your parents for who they are and stop hating them for who they are not, you will finally be free to decide if you’re going to repeat their parenting process.  If you cannot bring yourself to accept that GOD is GOD and they were/are not, then you will repeat the process of chaos for the family that surrounds you now.

Sometimes life isn’t fair… I don’t want to diminish the hurt of those who have faced horrible things in their childhood and are completely scarred.. but I do want you to understand… that you do have the power… to repeat the offense and continue the chaos or to decide that you had the perfect example of who you will NEVER BE.  Your hurt may be something far worse than I can even imagine, but remember the foundation of our faith is that Jesus took the penalty for all of humanity so that by grace we could be saved.  He understands how bad it hurts… because you and I have hurt him just as badly…. His response was amazing and it brought freedom to the whole world. He had a choice and He chose to have mercy on us.  We should remember this when we are looking at those who have hurt us so badly.  Mercy is the only way to find freedom. The choice is yours… and when you begin to realize that your parents might have been a product of the hurt that they felt too, you will begin to find the strength to love the unloveable again.

I’ll finish with this:  You’ve got one life… you’ve got one chance to know your parents, to love them, to cry with them, to learn from them and ultimately to be at peace with them.  YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET TO YOUR PARENTS LAST BREATH AND LEAVE THINGS UNSAID.  Don’t miss it.  Don’t spend 20 years mad about something that you can’t change.   Decide to be different and love the unlovable as Christ did.  That’s how we turn our lives around… that’s how we turn this country around…. we stop making excuses and start loving the way we know we should….  but please… life is too short.  DON’T MISS THE BLESSING THAT YOUR PARENTS COULD BE NOW BECAUSE YOU’RE SO MAD ABOUT WHO THEY NEVER WERE.

Choose now to break the cycle.. and freedom will come.  I promise. It did for me!